TouhouNoir
by DocFry
Summary: A story concerning Touhou characters in a Film-Noir setting. Will eventually involve everybody from all of the games. Current storyline: Goodbye, Noel


Good-bye, Noël

Note: I decided to completely re-make what I had so far for Touhou-Noir. Didn't like how it was turning out, didn't like where it was heading. I also really suck at writing origin stories. So this time, everything has already been established (to a certain point), and magic is perfectly okay to use (but there are still regulations). I apologize for waiting so long to update, and I also apologize to anyone who was hoping for the story to continue as it was. If I get better at this, I may re-work it into the story somehow.

But, anyway, please enjoy. And Merry Christmas and Happy New Years (and a Very Walfas Chanukah) to you all.

Ah, Godsnight-tide; that magical time of year that has people running all over the place like fools trying to get each other (or themselves) that perfect gift. I never really understood why people would be so hung-up on the idea, considering it celebrated the birth of a god, but then again, nothing about gods made much sense to me in the first place.

Trust me: I'm a Miko.

So why am I travelling to some party in this petulant cold when I could be back at the shrine having some nice warm tea and enjoying some good-ol' Holiday Radio-Programs?

Truth be told, being a Miko is not exactly the wealthiest of jobs; its rather thankless, I only get paid a small salary by the state, and I must rely on donations to just do maintenance work on the shrine. It does have its benefits: no taxes, 10% discounts in most places, some people treat you with veneration. But for every venerate there's ten jerks who could care less about my existence (unless they're the kind who look at me and ask me if I would like a "special" donation, in which I kindly tell them to keck-off before I set them on fire or smash their face in with my orbs).

So, at the suggestion of my erstwhile friend and sometimes-partner Marisa Kirisame, we became private investigators. The paperwork was a pain in the orbs and the department really had suspicions that either of us had any skill in the area, but after solving a couple major cases they finally relented and gave us licenses, albeit with as much joy as a hermit would be with finding evil spirits in a holy place.

As to why I was travelling to some party, it all began two days ago…

Hring-a-ring-a-ring-a-ring… hring-a-ring-a-ring-a-ring…

*click*

"Hello?"

"Hey~, what's up?"

"Marisa, why are you calling me at 6:15 in the morning? What could have possibly justified this decision?"

"It involves money~"

"…go on."

"Okay, I'll tell you when I get there, see ya!"

*click*

I got up a few minutes later, realizing that she would probably be there soon, and busied myself at getting things ready for her arrival. I put a kettle on the stove and hastily got out of my pajamas, donning my "Winter" Miko-suit (which just had a longer skirt made of thicker material and included a scarf).

I then stepped outside onto the front porch of the shrine to await her arrival. Just as I stepped out a newspaper came screaming out of the sky, landing exactly where I was about to step, hitting with enough force to crack some of wood paneling of the deck. I looked up, noticing a flying person in black and white who could be only one person (and unfortunately for me, I knew from personal experience, to be one of the most annoying beings to have ever breathed air).

"Aya, will it kill you to aim a little better?"

She momentarily stopped on her flight path, turning around to face me.

"Oh, hello, Ms. Hakurei! How is your morning going for you?"

"It was going fine until you nearly flattened my face with your stupid newspaper!"

"Nonsense! I was aiming exactly for that spot, fully knowing where you would be by the time it landed! The chances of it hitting you were so small I don't bother to say!"

"But why for that spot, per se?"

"To cut down on the time it would take for you to get the paper!"

As I paused to complicate this rather insane line of reasoning, I happened to glance down at the paper and saw what was on the first page. I picked it up to take a look.

**MYSTERIOUS DISSAPEARANCE IN WHITE-JADE DISTRICT**

_After the fifth such disappearance in two weeks, local police…_

I was interrupted by a rogue danmaku bullet flying no more than a centimeter form my face. By its shape (a star), I deduced that it had come from my expected visitor.

"Yo!"

The witch was zooming in on top of her broom, giving off random sparks of danmaku as she flew (no doubt causing any unlucky recipients of it a good measure of shock and grief), slowing down before coming to a halt a few inches above the deck before dropping to her feet.

"Well, I'll be off now! Good day, Ms., Hakurei! Oh, Ms. Kirisame, would you like a pa-"

"So, what was it you wanted to show me again, Marisa?" I said as I semi-dragged Marisa in, not wanting anymore of the Tengu's presence.

Marisa tossed her scarf and hat onto the hanger by the entrance and proceeded to plop herself down on the cushions around the table and began to rummage through the large burlap sack she always seemed to have at hand before finally producing several posters a letter on the table.

"This," she paused, for added effect, "is going to put us on the map!"

I began to examine the documents she had produced. One of them was a poster advertising some big event at the White-Jade District. The other two posters were search posters; I made the connection between the two and the newspaper headline I saw earlier, and slowly began to dread what my friend was about to get me into to.

"So, what is this all exactly?" I asked not only stalling for time, but in the vain hope that her explanation might dispel my growing fear of danger.

"This," she said, handing me the letter, "is why I'm here today."

I took a look at the letter, noting that it was written on some very nice pink stationary with a butterfly-patterned border, making a note that I should probably buy some myself. I then examined its contents; whoever wrote it obviously has had much practice in writing, as the style was so elegant that it immediately betrayed the writer as someone of status.

_Dear Ms. Kirisame,_

_I have heard of your earlier exploits in the Scarlet Devil Incident and others, and I wish to enquire your investigative abilities. I am currently in fear for my life; five others of noble blood have disappeared the past week, and I fear that I might be next for whoever is doing this._

_And if possible, I would like to request the services of your partner, Ms. Hakurei Reimu, as I feel that her peculiar talents may be exactly what I need to ensure my safety and security, and hopefully catch the perpetrator in the process._

_-signed: Ms. Saigyouji Yuyuko, Princess and Owner of Chateau Hakugyokurou and its Environs, White-Jade District_

Well, that was something: usually Marisa makes such a big fuss and commotion that she usually gets most of the credit in solving incidents (in the newspaper article on the Scarlet Devil Incident, I was mentioned three times; Marisa was mentioned seventeen times and got almost all of the credit.) So I was surprised that this Ms. Saigyouji not only knew about me from that incident, but the other ones as well (which were, for the most part, solely attributed to Marisa).

"Well, why do you think that this'll put us on the map?"

"What? You mean you seriously don't understand?" Understand what, pray tell? "Saigyouji is only the greatest debutante this side of the Sanzu! This chick has connections up the wazoo! Plus, she's loaded! She has so much money the only thing she spends it on is massive parties over the slightest occasions!"

Well, she got me on one thing: if this woman had as money as she said she did, I would be living pretty comfortably if I took this job. But on the other hand…

"Well, that's true; but do you really think that we can handle a case like this? I mean, the Scarlet Devil Incident was thrilling, sure, and a couple of other things we did had their share of danger, but investigating a kidnapper? Are you sure it's worth it?" I had always thought that, though it would be pleasant, nothing is worth hanging your own neck over. And this was screaming 'Hey, go get yourself killed!' all over it.

"Think of the money, Reimu! _Money. Connections. _Stuff you know you want!"

I was about to protest when a couple of letters came sliding through the mail slot; I went over to pick them up. I was going to trash them all (usually I only got advertisements and pitiable letters from secret admirers), but the red envelope of one caught my eye. I went over to the table and opened it, sliding out a letter written on a piece of parchment. I immediately recognized who the sender was by this alone, and fear began to gnaw at my insides again. Nonetheless, I unfolded the letter and read it:

_Dear Reimu,_

_After noticing quite an unusual number of kidnappings in the White-Jade District, I was wondering if you could swing by my place and discuss the matter further. I'm sure the results would be quite… interesting._

_-Signed: Mademoiselle Remilia Scarlet, Maison de le Diable d'Escarlate, Lake District_

Well, I guess someone had made up my mind for me already.


End file.
